hmm: "are you ready to have children?'. A Hilarious Must Read

Gosh whoever wrote this. It's just sooooo funny. It's really worth sharing!

Test 1: Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.

2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself

2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

 

Test 2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. 

Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3: Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2.  At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

4. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4: Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5: Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.

2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6: Going for a walk

 

a. Wait

b. Go out the door

c. Come back in again.

d. Go out.

e. Come back in again.

f. Go out again.

g. Walk down the front path.

h. Walk back up it.

i. Walk down it again.

j. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

k. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.

l. Retrace your steps.

m. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.

n. Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7: Conversations with children

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8: Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.

3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

 

Test 9: Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10:TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.

2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11:  Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?

4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.

5. Drag randomly items from one room to another room and leave them there.

Test 12: Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.

2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13:Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.

2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14: Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.

2. Put on your finest work attire.

3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it

4. Stir

5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt

6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

8. Do not change (you have no time).

9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!

Mesh Feeder

Mesh Feeders. What are they? 

This interesting invention allows children to munch on fruits safely by eliminating the danger of choking.  

LMM Baby Steps:
1) Have all the items ready

2) Loop the netting (item 1 which keeps the fruit inside) into item 2

3) Twist item 3 onto item 1+2 to lock the fruit in. I believe the gel like substance keeps the fruit cooler for longer. There is also a tiny lock which keeps the handle fastened to the netting.

4) All ready for your kid

LMM Advice: Apart from letting your little one try out new fruits, I read that you can use this little gadget as a teether as well. All you need to do is put ice cubes in it. 

Mess Alert: When your kid uses the mesh feeder, be prepared to clean.

Lil' muachi is beginning to appreciate the mesh feeder a lot more now that she is teething and trying out new flavors. However, she would throw it or place it next to her when done. So any leftover banana or papaya stuck on the mesh will obviously transfer to any surface she has decided to leave it on. Obviously lil' muachi herself will also be messy. 

Hokkien Corner: I don't really know how much this thing costs. I was lucky enough to inherit one from my sis-in-law. Lil' muachi's interest in the mesh is pretty short. She prefers to hold on to the actual papaya fruit and munch on it on her own. Even when she was smaller, she didnt exactly take to the mesh like the other kids in the pictures. I guess it's up to individual parents. If your bub seems to really enjoy munching on fruits and stuff but is still too young, go with the mesh. At least you know s/he will not choke with the netting security.

Formula/Powder Milk Containers

Whoever created this knew there was a genuine need in the market for something like this.

When your bub is wailing in the middle of the night (or whatever time in the day for that matter), you do not want to be fumbling around for the milk powder. 

These little containers are very handy. You can store predetermined scoops of formula ahead of time. 

There are a few variations in the stores but its primary role of course is to store milk. 

I have two different ones with me.

LMM Baby Steps:
The Pink One
1) Lift the lid up slightly (until its above the groove) and twist to selected slot for milk
2) Push it back down
3) Lift the cap 
4) Tilt and shake the milk formula into the milk bottle

The Blue One
1) Twist to selected slot
2) Lift the cap
3) Tilt and shake the milk formula into the milk bottle

They are both pretty fast to work on. Apart from how you move the thing to get the powder, one comes with removable dividers while the other is permanent.

LMM Advice:
The pink one is better for nights. You can just feel the cap going to a slot, pop it open and pour. Less mess. The somewhat protruding head also helps with neat pouring. For the blue one, it's a bit harder when you cant see the dividers as you don't know where it starts and where it ends. 
For travelling, the blue one is definitely less bulky.
Hokkien corner: If you think long term, the blue one will make more sense as you can remove the dividers and use it to store other things.

I would definitely encourage parents to own these containers. It helps fasten the process of milk making and that is always a good thing when your bub is wailing for susu.

Hmm: Life viewed and lived differently

With lil' muachi in our lives, I realized that I'm taking less risk in life. It's not that I'm a crazed adventure seeker or anything, but I have nonetheless taken a notch down when it comes to doing anything remotely "dangerous". I have even started driving just a little bit slower.

My only concern now is GOTH; who seems to still live life like a bachelor. I need to constantly remind him to watch his diet and be careful driving at nights if he intends to walk his daughter down the aisle one day.

Although at some level, I should probably give him some credit 

While mine has totally changed because of lil' muachi, the little one has merely assimilated into GOTH's life. Lil' muachi is like an extension of myself, but she is like a pet to GOTH. 

I need to bathe, clothe and feed her; GOTH only plays with her while still watching his TV. 

I am sure they created Mother's Day before Father's Day. They better. 

Marriage does not end your single-hood and social life. Pregnancy does. But somehow in this weird cosmic universe, it all feels just right.

I do miss my younger wilder days but right now, contentment is watching lil' muachi playing and laughing, bathing her, watching her eat and fall asleep. 

You can say that I'm getting older but I guess this is what growing up is all about right? And I suppose guys do take their time to do just that.